When we talk about classics in the world of cinema, it is inevitable not to think of 60 seconds, The Italian Job or my favourite, the Ocean’s saga. Yes, the mythical Danny Ocean played by George Clooney with a legion of henchmen made up of Brad Pitt o Matt Damon I was hooked in the 2000s.
Movies full of humor, action and a good dose of teamwork to rob the bank of some clueless. Precisely during this week Rockstar has put everything to egg so that I enter the GTA Online casino and not precisely so that they swipe chips from me. No, I’ve come up trying to get loot like I’ve never done.
If you have read me during the last months, you will have more than clear that my rate of incompetence is through the roof. I lost $400,000 in one of my first robberies and I couldn’t plan the hit on Cayo Perico well enough. They’re not going to give me exactly the crime laureate.
Lester meets me in the middle of a park when Georgina Cheng, vice president of Chen Holdings, suddenly appears. I have no fucking idea who this lady is and I don’t care that she is the ninety-eighth best dressed woman in China. I’m just hearing from her that we can take a stab at the heart of The Diamond Casino & Resort.
talk about a revenge against a certain Thornton Duggan by her older brother, but I notice that our favorite cripple looks at her with mischievous eyes. Perhaps that is what drives him to start up all the machinery and now I have to take my wallet out for a walk.
40% off arcades this week, so I spend my good $1,125,000 at Videogeddon, a venue located in La Mesa. Nothing to go to Blaine or the other end of the map, I’m tired of kicking half a stage every time I need to do something, it is necessary to centralize business. This time I did scratch my pocket a bit decorating for 96,000 dollars, since we have to clean up a little bit of a den where metalheads got stripes from the rugs.
fuck me, Damn Jimmy is the beadle of my business. A useless poor man who spends 90% of his time being in his room, believing that his father is a failure and that he doesn’t even know how to smoke a hookah properly. As long as he knows how to hold a broom and clean toilets, he’s good for me.
Do you remember Ocean’s Thirteen? Andy García was the one who covered the expenses of the entire operation for the group and here the kind Miss Chen is our personal bank. Ambition runs through every fiber of Lester, and he begins to tell me that we need to be more aggressive, that we’ll have more options. I tell him that I’ll screw up like always.
The first thing is to get to know the terrain thoroughly, so I go into the casino and take photos of even the damn gotelé if necessary. I have learned the lesson from Cayo Perico, so I didn’t leave a camera, security door or guard to file in the album. Nonetheless, GTA Online He tells me that I have left information, but that it is what God wants.
One of the coolest and most useful tricks of heist movies is to set up a recreation of the vault to practice as many times as necessary. I see on the planning board that I can get a model to have clear reference points. I don’t know how many pagan demons I claim revenge on five minutes later, since I’ve spent $135,000 on a pathetic recreation of the building that serves me no purpose.
Of course Rockstar, now I checkout and spend 400,000 crushers on security doors to be clear about how to hack them. Given the stealth is little short of a joke in this game and I anticipate that a direct entry will result in me turning into a Gruyère cheese, I apply Solomon’s solution. Master scam, that is, I go face but disguised.
I need people with experience in the world, but since I have left a stupid amount of money in the damn model, now I have to skimp dividing the loot. Yohan Blair as a hacker with 5% commission, Zach Nelson as a driver taking 6% and the dodgy Karl Abolaji as a gunman with another 5%. 16% goes out of necessity, but at least I entertain myself with the preparatory missions of each one.
And this is where it shows the spirit of Ocean’s invading every pore of my skin. Break into FBI headquarters to steal a hacking device? No problem. Steal some motorcycles from the Lost? Easy peasy. Hell, I even end up teaming up with an eccentric like Yung Ancestor.
Yes, that goofball I ran into on my first visit to The Diamond Casino & Resort, which had more leeches around it than flies in the trash. He can get me a number of essential passes, so I follow his disastrous instructions to get rid of a car. It makes me go around so much that I end up entering the sect of altruists, in the middle of the mountain.
How little use has been made of this motley congregation that welcomes tourists by gagging them, annihilating their dignity and they go in chopped ball. I want to have it all tied up so well that I do 14 missions, like the one that sees me sneak into Bolingbroke Penitentiary to break into a control tower, knock out a guard, and steal more must-have cards. There is absolutely everything, with a variety like I have never seen before in GTA Online.
Aim high, star in the air
No more talk, let’s go pluck those peacocks. Jackpot of 2,115,000 million, which remains at 1,670,850 dollars for the expenses of the team and Lester. I can’t do the heist on my own, so a newbie more inexperienced than me joins the cause. Even though we’re in the final stages, Georgina doesn’t make an appearance, and Lester, who had freshened up and showered for the first time in months, is disappointed. Surely we will see the resolution of this love conflict in First Dates.
We go as maintenance guys, pest control guys and we manage to sneak in on one side with the employees giving us way. Yung Ancestor needs to be met to get his cards into my pocket and I’m still wondering why the scene where he appears ends with Brucie shot in the leg. No need to worry, good old Bruce will pop his classic shark pills to get out of this jam.
Everything goes to hell. The guards see me in a prohibited area and from here comes precisely what I was trying to avoid: direct confrontation. It doesn’t matter if I’m wearing a mask from Fallout, I’ve screwed it up because my gunsmith is pathetic and our firepower is down to a micro SMG. Against little less than an army more armed than the US Navy, as you will say.
We insist and end up reaching the vault, but from the casino they release a neurotoxin. In just under two minutes we’ll be cold cuts on the floor, we don’t have time to open the rest of the safes and we just fill the bags. Just over half a million dollars we joined and now we have to leave by legs.
I’d rather have my toenails lifted than go through the bloody ordeal again of making it to the elevator, hacking into the system with a fingerprint program, and walking out the door. To add to the fun of it, we’re dropping money out of the bags for every shot we take, so I end up losing $200,000 until we’re abroad.
I look at the clock, it’s almost two in the morning and the flashes of Cayo Perico begin to accumulate in my mind. five search stars, even Thanos must be hot on our heels. We die, over and over again, in a loop that seems to be taken from Source Code. My partner gives in to the evidence that I’m a one-armed professional, not a skilled bank robber.
I’m sleepy, I’m fed up, it’s infernally hot and the consequences will be paid by my Teddy bear waiting in the room. Will I get a successful heist in this demonic game? We are in a casino, place your bets.