Don’t feel like working? Appoint a ‘director’!

You sometimes hear that civil servants are dusty, not funny and not very creative. But I find them really juicy, creative and funny. If you see what they come up with to get out of their work – the rest of society can learn a lot from that.

This month, in a letter to parliament about the nitrogen crisis. In one paragraph, it contained a ‘task force’, a ‘directing body’, a ‘quartermaster’ and an ‘innovation envoy’ who, together, will postpone the solution of the crisis for a while.

I understand those officials. The problems are immense: the Allowances affair, the nitrogen crisis, compensation in the earthquake area, the waiting lists in mental health care, the stalled housing market, the corona crisis – then it is to be expected that people will not solve, but postpone.

And so I thought, let’s take a look at the most creative ways to print your mustache. We all benefit from that. Because even if you’re not a civil servant, you can occasionally use some delay tactics at work. Yes right? Are they coming.

1Set up a platform. Always good and sounds very decisive. While you don’t have to do anything! You give a drink at the opening and you’re done. After that, you can slowly sink the platform into oblivion.

And there is a lot of choice! An innovation platform. A burning platform (with urgent themes!), an online platform, a social platform. Free tip: make sure to sign a covenant at the opening. For decisive photos! And no one has to abide by covenants!

2 Appoint a task force, a think tank, a vision group, a steering group or a steering group. Who can ‘remove barriers’, ‘formulate a solution direction’ or can write an action plan, framework plan or vision plan. In plain language, this means that they often meet and have lunch, and that they can declare all of that.

3Set up a “governing body.” A governing body! That we didn’t come up with that before. So no directorate that takes the lead, a minister, state secretary or director-general (who are paid for this), but a management body that ‘focuses on organising, supporting and evaluating pilots’, as the task of the governing body for the nitrogen crisis. Then you know that nothing will change, and that it will cost extra money. Win win.

4Name an “envoy.” There are already quite a few of them. For example, there was the ‘special envoy’ for the corona crisis, there is an ‘innovation envoy’ for the nitrogen crisis, a ‘climate envoy’ (the climate apparently does not need a special envoy), Eindhoven already has a ‘city envoy’ and a ‘special envoy” for the Allowances Affair. And then hope that the ordinary envoys don’t get into a fight with the special envoys or those for the cities.

5But you can also appoint ‘national and special coordinators’ if you don’t feel like working as a minister. For example, energy minister Rob Jetten appointed a “special coordinator” this month to solve the problems with the high-voltage grid in Brabant and Limburg, and Wopke Hoekstra arrived with Stef Blok as coordinator for the sanctions against Russia.

By the way, it has already been cancelled. His conclusion? That ‘coordination and communication about compliance with the sanctions needs to be much better’. wow. Nice work, Stef!

6Form a national crisis team. As happened this month for the reception of refugees. Please note: this team comes on top of the Central Agency for the Reception of Asylum Seekers, which is paid to arrange this reception, and on top of the National Crisis Center (NCC), which ‘supports decision-making in the event of a (imminent) crisis’. So an extra layer. Nice is not it?

7Formulate ‘handles’ or ‘deploy improvement processes’ with which ‘success can be made’. No idea what that is, but for that you can ask well-paid “marines”, “brokers”, “supervisors” and “scouts” who “pick up ideas” that have been previously “asked out”. Make sure that there are also a few theme directors, and that the whole thing is ‘multidisciplinary’. Otherwise it makes little sense.

8Organize a “gear table” – seriously. Another new synonym for needless chatter. If people start complaining that nothing is happening, you can name a “persecution force” or a “regional persistence force”.

9But what is always possible? A quartermaster of course! There will now also be one for the nitrogen crisis, I read in the letter to parliament. He even gets a capital letter in it, that’s how important it is! Pay attention to the correct order, namely first De Kwartiermaker, then the governing body, and only after that the innovation envoy. Otherwise, the nitrogen crisis will stall. Or wait, that already happened.

Fortunately, Stef Blok has time again!

How was your week? Tips for Japke-d. Bouma through @Japked on Twitter.

These were the Pearls on Twitter this week

@JapkedAccess solutions? Oh, you mean doors… 🤔 pic.twitter.com/HTomGJRDzn

— Ralph Human (@mens32) June 16, 2022

Every time a minister doesn’t remember, a special coordinator or envoy comes to do the dirty work. https://t.co/d9g08SUtHI

— Lammert de Bruin (@lammert) June 17, 2022

@Japked Bee @Incentro_ they ‘challenge’ your question. Just so you know! pic.twitter.com/a2PP3sAUF4

— Henk de Bot (@Bontenbal) June 17, 2022

I’m sorry, but what’s here?! @Tax authorities pic.twitter.com/smzNmcoYhc

— . (@timself) June 17, 2022

Supervise effect evaluation.
Mandate in his role.
Guidelines.
Reflection moment.
Improve teamwork.

I quit. pic.twitter.com/MflKNXEb2t

— Erik Sheep (@Eriksgaap) June 17, 2022

Newsletter NRC Smart Living

Pieces that help you to make your life better and your career better

A version of this article also appeared in the newspaper of June 22, 2022